I'm going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.
At night? And who will give a lecture?My wife and mother-in-law!
2. Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says:
I'll take the shit with garlic.
And I'll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I don't like to have bad breath.
3. An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted, "Kya nishana lagaya hai!"
4. Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!
5. Why did the Santa put his finger over the nail when he was hammering?
A. The noise gave him a headache.
6. Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
7. Santa: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means...Without Information Fighting Every time!
Jeeto: It could also mean - With Idiot For Ever.
8. The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
9. A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."
10. What does a lazy dog chase?
A: Parked cars.
11. Why are Egyptian's Children always confused??
A. Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.
12. Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
13. Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
14. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A. My son drowned.
15. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A. Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
16. Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
17. Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A. Because it was an entrance exam.
18. Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.
19. Banta: Why does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'
20. When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
21. Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said: What will you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.
22. A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover?"
"A lover?" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov.... Lover.... Oh, my God!"
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.
23. Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.
24. How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A. He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
25. A teacher asked Pappu: What's the capital of United States?
Pappu: Washington DC.
When asked what "DC" stood for, Pappu added, "Dot com!"
26. Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A. Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
27. Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!
28. An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.
Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves
29. Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
30. Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
31. Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls?
32. Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
33. Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
34. A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !
35. Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
36. An army sergeant told Santa to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
"I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the sergeant. "Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody there!"
37. Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !
38. Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell
39. Boss in government department: Why didn't you take the leave due to you this year?
Civil servant: I needed the rest
40. "I've made the chicken soup."
"Good! I was worried it was for us."
41. Catholic: I hate England - it's cold and wet and full of Protestants.
Protestant: Why don't you go to hell - it's hot and dry and full of Catholics
42. Man: Whisper those three words that will make me walk on air.
Woman: Go hang yourself
43. Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.
Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap
44. Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
45. The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."
46. A company held a contest for kids with the theme: "The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me."
One kid answered "He married my mother."
47. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
48. Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's Rs 1000.
Patient: One thousand for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like
49. Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
50. What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A. A jeweler sells watches whereas a jailor watches cells!
51. One day a dog was running behind a Santa... But Santa was laughing.
Banta asked, "Why you are so happy?
He said... "Ah Ah Ah....I have an Airtel mobile with me...But Still Hutch network is following me.."
52. When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.
53. Can you do anything that other people can't?
A. Sure, I can read my handwriting.
54. The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
55. A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
56. What's plastic and dangerous to children?
Michael Jackson
57. How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance
58. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
59. A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask"
60. At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived babies a father says, "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"
His friend says, "But your kid didn't smile."
The father replies, "I was talking about the nurse"
61. 1st thief, "Police! Quick! jump out of the window!"
2nd thief, "But this is the 13th floor"
1st: "Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious"
62. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A. You cry when you cut up an onion
63. News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
64. CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
65. This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
66. Why did Santa throw the butter out the window?
A. He wanted to see a butterfly
67. Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken.
Santa: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!
68. What is difference between man and Superman?
A. Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser
69. Sailor (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?" Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
70. Woman: One of your bees just stung me. I want you to do something about it.
Beekeeper: Certainly, Madam. Just show me which bee it was and I'll have it punished
71. An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
72. While filling out an employment application, Santa paused over the question, "Person to notify in case of an accident."
After some thought, he finally wrote, "Anybody in sight"
73. Santa is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, "Watch for Fallen Rocks."
A few kilometres later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road, so he stops and picks them up.
When he gets to the next town, he carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office and puts them on the counter.
"Here are your fallen rocks," he says to the man behind the counter. "Now where is my watch?"
74. Patient: Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me
Doctor: Next please
75. Titanic is going to be drowned. Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God, just then a passenger asked the captain of the ship.
Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.
Captain: .....????
Passenger: Just tell me which side, land is two miles from here ?
Captain: Downwards...
76. A man walks into a scientist's lab looking to buy a new brain. He asks the scientist how much the brains cost. The scientist says, "Well first we have a normal human brain, it costs $1000, next we have a scientist's brain, it costs $5000, and then we come to a politician's, it costs $10,000."
"How come the politician's brain costs so much?", asks the man.
The scientist replies, "Because it's never been used."
77. How did Santa cheat the railways?
A. He bought the ticket and didn't travel
78. Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut?
A. Because they advertised 'free delivery'
79. What has 4 wheels and flies?
A. A garbage truck
80. What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A. "Do you believe in people?"
81. Osama consults a psychic about the date of his death.
Psychic: You will die on an American holiday.
Osama: Which one?
Psychic: Anyday you die shall be an American holiday
82. Santa, "I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer, "I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror
83. Santa and Banta are waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door.
Banta leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to Chandigarh?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."
At this Santa leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?"
84. "Darling," said Banta to his new bride, Preeto, "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she replied. "But what will you live on?"
85. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook.....
But the law allows only one wife
86. Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window.
Banta: I did it without thinking, your Honor.
Judge: Thats no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing by at the time?
87. A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
88. A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."
89. Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B. Ok
A. A white horse fell in the mud
90. Preeto: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.
Banta: Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous.
Preeto: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.
Banta: You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
Preeto: In the pool.
91. Ravan decides to apologize to Ram.
Ram opens the door.
Ravan blankly stares at Ram & can you guess what he is thinking?
Sala kiss moonh se maafi maangu
92. Santa: "During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much."
Nurse: "What word was that?"
Santa: "Oops!"
93. A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
94. Teacher: Sonu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Sonu: No, teacher, it's the same dog
95. The 3 fastest means of communication:
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
96. What do you call a letter delivered from a chimney?
A. Black mail
97. Why there are always two cops in a car patrol ?
A: In case the siren won't work, one of them to scream "Wouuuu-Wouuuuu" and the other - "Blue, Red, Blue, Red, Blue, Red.."
98. Jeeto: What are you doing?
Santa: Washing myself, of course
Preeto: Without soap and water?
Santa: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning
99. Why did Santa fall out the window ?
A. He was ironing the curtain
100. Santa: I have to learn Telugu within 6 months or I'll not be able to communicate with my child.
Banta: Is it ! Why ?
Santa: I have adopted a telugu child and he will start to speak after 6 months
101. A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
102. Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?
103. Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
104. Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was
not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!
105. Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant it?s already raining.
Sardar: So what? Take an umbrella and go.
106. Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer
gave 11cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.
107.Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....
108. Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the
car he was driving..
109. Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
110. Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.
111. Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab
. Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..
112. A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at
evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".
113. Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.
Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem Can there be greater than this one?
114. Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries
or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
115. Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
116. A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married
me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly,
"I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
117. Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
118. A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word
"beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks
beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
119. Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success
as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
120. Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and
"arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or
"shoot himself".
121. What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of
enemies & division of friends.
122. Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the
world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high,
even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear
the Niagara Falls?"
123. Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an
examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the
hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them
for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board
overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to
jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both
arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you
jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
124. As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
125. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
126. What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician
127. Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking
Fine"
128. How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
129. once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He
Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
130. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down
from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend.
He reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called
up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach
in the evening and not the next day either. "
When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught
mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?
(What Happened, My Son?)
131. The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long
journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane
waaste chaar gear banaate hain, )
aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are
crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for
going back!
132. Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a
hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the
dealer for another hundred chickens .
because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back
at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot
had also died
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think
I'm planting them too deep.'
133. 2 Dost Suicide karne gae, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha hai ki Reliance mai Job.
134. Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other
ensures U Continue to do so.
135. Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya,
Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
136. How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard
& comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O'
bolo ta ra ra.
137. A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married,
Guess
what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
138. Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4
an hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
139. Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara
character thik ho jaaega.....
Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya hoga....???
140. Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani kyo badha di..?
biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
141. Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying....
When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!
142. Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
143. Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
144. Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
145. Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing
in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
146. Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi
in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
147. 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the
window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
148. Man before Marriage I like Airtel....?Aisi Azaadi Aur
Kahaan?
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where R U Go Our Network
Follows."
149. Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
Santa : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!
gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI...
150. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense
151. It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful
things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!
152. It takes thousand workers to build a castle , Million soldiers
to protect a country BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let's Thank ......KAAMWALI
153. After Finishing MBBS, Dr. Munna Starts his practice. He Chcked 1st patient eyes, tongue & ears by Torch & finally said BOLE TO.......... TORCH THEEEEK HAI
154. What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
155. Ladka: Janeman is dil mein aaja.
Ladki: Sandal nikalu kya?
Ladka: Pagli mandir thodi hi hai, aise hi aaja!!
156. It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
157. A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!
158. Mayawati came to Lallu's house with a goat.
Lallu: Bhaiswa ko kyon layi ho?
Maya: Dikhta nahin goatwa hai?
Lallu: Hum goatwa se hi to pooch raha hoon.
159. Do sardar jee motor cycle per bomb lay kar jarahay thay,
Rastay main speed breaker ki waja say jhatkay lag rahay thay,
Sardar jee ka dost bola yaar aaram say gari chalao kahi bomb na
phatjain, Sardar jee...Oo tussi fiker hi naker assi kay pass dosra bhi tu bomb hay. :)
160. aik sharabi raatkay waqat apnay dost kay sath jaraha hota hay. rastay main talab per nazar parhti hay tu us main us ko chand dikhta hay woh apny dost say kahta hay yaar ye kia hay.dost kehta hay chand hay. sharabi hairan ho ker yaar hum log itnay upper aagaiy
161. Santa Singh goes to a TV shop and asks, 'Aap ke paas color TV hai kya?'
'Haan' replies shopowner. Santa Singh says, 'Ek hara vala dena!'
162. A sardar calls another sardar on the phone & says "Hi, Main
Bol Raha Hoon".
The other sardar replies "Kamaal Hain,Ithe bhi Main Bol Raha
Hoon!"
163. Ek pathan Cycle chalaty aur gungunaty howe kahin ja raha tha
rasty mein ek Aurat se takra betha.
Aurat chilla kar boli "Break nahi maar sakty thy kia ??? "
Pathan herat se... "Pora cycle mar deya abhi break mar kar kia
faida."
164. Burhiya:Aray dekho iss kambakhat maare ko mere sath larki ja rahi he osse nahi dekh raha kab se mujhe taare chala ja ria he...!
Aadmi:Aray..! amma darasal ye kabaria he purana maal dekh raha
he.
165. Ustaad: Bete, aap jab hanste hen to aap ke dimples parte hen
aap bohat ache lagte hen dil chahta he aap ko piyar karloon.
Bacha: Sir, mujhse ziyada dimple to mere ammi ke parte hen.
166. Aik lerki apny boy friend k sath nai garri main long
drive par ja rahi thi achanak larki kehnay lagi.....suno !
kia tum aik haath se garri chala saktay ho ?
kioon nahi.....larkay ne bare fakher se garden akraaii...
larki ne aahista se kaha..........
"to phir doosray haath se apni naak saaf kar lo "
167. Sardar : Apne bete se bola, Bevakuf...kaisa machis leke aaya
hai, ek bhi tili nahin jalti.
Beta : Kya baat karte ho papa, sab tili test karke laya hu.
168. Doctor : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai?
Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25 saalse mera khoon jo pee rahi
hai....
169. teen dost tha phalla patan dosra panjabe or tisra memon.Ramzan ka maina tha dostoo na bolaa ka yar zakat dana ha too app log kasa datta ho. too phala dost patan na bolla ka hum khali maidan ma za kar gol paira banatha ha or asman ma paisa ushal tha ha zoo paisa paira ka bhair zata ha woo zakat kartta ha or zoo andar hotta ha woo humara hotta ha .fer pajabe na bolla ka hum ak lakir kachtta ha or paisa ushal tha ha zoo
paisa left hand par zatta ha woo zakat kartta ha or zoo right hand par woo humara.fer memon dost sa pucha ka woo kasa kartta ha too usna kaha ka astag feroollha app log assa zakat kartta ho yea lakir fakir keya ha hum khali maidan ma zatta ha or asman ma husal tha ha zoo paisa asman ma gheya woo zakat ka or zoo paisa necha aaya woo humara.
170. Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has
Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man
took the
thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the
Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a
fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
171. Waiter : Would you like your coffee black?
Sardar : What other colours do you have?
172. Teacher : Sam, you talk a lot.
Sam : It's a family tradition.
Teacher : What do you mean?
Sam : Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a
teacher.
Teacher : What about your mother?
Sam : She's a woman.
173. Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I've
failed?
David: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated.
174. Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student : Brotherly love.
175. Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
176. Patient : What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor : One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out
of ten people die of the disease you have.
Yours is the tenth case I've treated.The others all died.
177. Teacher : " Hello boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible."
One of the 20 Students: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the
toothpaste and put it back into the tube again.
178. Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
sameday, sametime."
179. Sardarji opens his lunch box in the middle of the road....why
?
Just to confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the
office.
180. A woman had 8 sons all named Kevin. On asking how she managed to call one in particular.
She replied: That's easy. I call them by their surname !
181. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
JOHNY: George!
182. TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me!
183. L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.
184. TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
L-JOHNY: Don't bite any.
185. TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
186. Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
L-Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday
sametime."
187. Question: There are 10 elephants swimming in a pond. A boy
jumps inside and swims underneath them and counts the number of legs.
There are only 36 legs. HOW??
Answer: One elephant was swimming BACKSTROKE!!
188. L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
L-Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
189. Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one
is green and one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the
same at home.
190. Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before eating?
L-Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
191. Sardar jhad pe bethkar gaa rahe the, achanak ek sardar jhad
se ulta
latak ke gaane laga, dusre ne pucha ki ulta kyon latka he, Sardar
bola oye side B gaa raha hun.
192. Sardarni asks her lover,"Santa dear, if we get engaged, will
u give me a ring?"
"Sure" replies santa. "Whats ur phone no?"
193. Sardarji is not sleeping with his wife! these days
because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with
married women.
194. One day sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth
floor of a
building when a man came running in to his office and shouted
"Santa singh
your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" ....... since
Sardarji was in panic.
Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window while
comming down when he was near the
tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto.
when he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not
married.
195. *** Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied
"Exam was
okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought,
thought ... and
at last wrote - THUNK !!!"
196. a sardar was going on the road.Then he sees a man who has met
with an
accident.so he picks him up puts him in his car and takes him to
the
hospital.Then the sardar realises that the man should have
brought by
ambulance.so he takes him back where he picked him
sardar was driving a car. Suddenly one tyre was puncher.he took
spear tyre
and changed in the place of punchered tyre. but unfortunately he
misplaced
the four screws to fit the tyre on its place . he was so confused
,,now
what to do,, a pagal(mentally retaired) person was watching this
incident.
He came near to sardar and said," do one thing,, take each one
screw from
the remaining three tyre and fit it in this new tyre.There after
u can go
where ever u want to. Sardar was so happy and said aree yaar
Duniya tume
pagal kahate hai lakin i dont think u are a pagal. pagal replied
sir,, i m
a pagal but i m not a sardar.
197. Once a Sardar ji rescued 6 people from a house burning on
fire;
But still the Sardar ji was jailed, why?
Because all the rescued persons were fire fighters
198. TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
199. TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the
floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
200. TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
Some More Collections
_________________
1. A cop stops a drunk man and asks: Where you going?
I'm going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.
At night? And who will give a lecture?My wife and mother-in-law!
2. Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says:
I'll take the shit with garlic.
And I'll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I don't like to have bad breath.
3. An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted, "Kya nishana lagaya hai!"
4. Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!
5. Why did the Santa put his finger over the nail when he was hammering?
A. The noise gave him a headache.
6. Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
7. Santa: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means...Without Information Fighting Every time!
Jeeto: It could also mean - With Idiot For Ever.
8. The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
9. A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."
10. What does a lazy dog chase?
A: Parked cars.
11. Why are Egyptian's Children always confused??
A. Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.
12. Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
13. Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
14. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A. My son drowned.
15. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A. Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
16. Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
17. Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A. Because it was an entrance exam.
18. Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.
19. Banta: Why does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'
20. When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
21. Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said: What will you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.
22. A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover?"
"A lover?" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov.... Lover.... Oh, my God!"
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.
23. Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.
24. How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A. He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
25. A teacher asked Pappu: What's the capital of United States?
Pappu: Washington DC.
When asked what "DC" stood for, Pappu added, "Dot com!"
26. Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A. Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
27. Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!
28. An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.
Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves
29. Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
30. Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
31. Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls?
32. Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
33. Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
34. A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !
35. Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
36. An army sergeant told Santa to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
"I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the sergeant. "Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody there!"
37. Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !
38. Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell
39. Boss in government department: Why didn't you take the leave due to you this year?
Civil servant: I needed the rest
40. "I've made the chicken soup."
"Good! I was worried it was for us."
41. Catholic: I hate England - it's cold and wet and full of Protestants.
Protestant: Why don't you go to hell - it's hot and dry and full of Catholics
42. Man: Whisper those three words that will make me walk on air.
Woman: Go hang yourself
43. Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.
Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap
44. Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
45. The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."
46. A company held a contest for kids with the theme: "The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me."
One kid answered "He married my mother."
47. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
48. Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's Rs 1000.
Patient: One thousand for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like
49. Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
50. What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A. A jeweler sells watches whereas a jailor watches cells!
51. One day a dog was running behind a Santa... But Santa was laughing.
Banta asked, "Why you are so happy?
He said... "Ah Ah Ah....I have an Airtel mobile with me...But Still Hutch network is following me.."
52. When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.
53. Can you do anything that other people can't?
A. Sure, I can read my handwriting.
54. The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
55. A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
56. What's plastic and dangerous to children?
Michael Jackson
57. How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance
58. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
59. A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask"
60. At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived babies a father says, "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"
His friend says, "But your kid didn't smile."
The father replies, "I was talking about the nurse"
61. 1st thief, "Police! Quick! jump out of the window!"
2nd thief, "But this is the 13th floor"
1st: "Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious"
62. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A. You cry when you cut up an onion
63. News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
64. CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
65. This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
66. Why did Santa throw the butter out the window?
A. He wanted to see a butterfly
67. Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken.
Santa: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!
68. What is difference between man and Superman?
A. Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser
69. Sailor (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?" Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
70. Woman: One of your bees just stung me. I want you to do something about it.
Beekeeper: Certainly, Madam. Just show me which bee it was and I'll have it punished
71. An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
72. While filling out an employment application, Santa paused over the question, "Person to notify in case of an accident."
After some thought, he finally wrote, "Anybody in sight"
73. Santa is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, "Watch for Fallen Rocks."
A few kilometres later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road, so he stops and picks them up.
When he gets to the next town, he carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office and puts them on the counter.
"Here are your fallen rocks," he says to the man behind the counter. "Now where is my watch?"
74. Patient: Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me
Doctor: Next please
75. Titanic is going to be drowned. Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God, just then a passenger asked the captain of the ship.
Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.
Captain: .....????
Passenger: Just tell me which side, land is two miles from here ?
Captain: Downwards...
76. A man walks into a scientist's lab looking to buy a new brain. He asks the scientist how much the brains cost. The scientist says, "Well first we have a normal human brain, it costs $1000, next we have a scientist's brain, it costs $5000, and then we come to a politician's, it costs $10,000."
"How come the politician's brain costs so much?", asks the man.
The scientist replies, "Because it's never been used."
77. How did Santa cheat the railways?
A. He bought the ticket and didn't travel
78. Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut?
A. Because they advertised 'free delivery'
79. What has 4 wheels and flies?
A. A garbage truck
80. What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A. "Do you believe in people?"
I'm going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.
At night? And who will give a lecture?My wife and mother-in-law!
2. Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says:
I'll take the shit with garlic.
And I'll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I don't like to have bad breath.
3. An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted, "Kya nishana lagaya hai!"
4. Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!
5. Why did the Santa put his finger over the nail when he was hammering?
A. The noise gave him a headache.
6. Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
7. Santa: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means...Without Information Fighting Every time!
Jeeto: It could also mean - With Idiot For Ever.
8. The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
9. A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."
10. What does a lazy dog chase?
A: Parked cars.
11. Why are Egyptian's Children always confused??
A. Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.
12. Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
13. Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
14. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A. My son drowned.
15. What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A. Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
16. Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
17. Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A. Because it was an entrance exam.
18. Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.
19. Banta: Why does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'
20. When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
21. Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said: What will you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.
22. A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover?"
"A lover?" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov.... Lover.... Oh, my God!"
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.
23. Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.
24. How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A. He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
25. A teacher asked Pappu: What's the capital of United States?
Pappu: Washington DC.
When asked what "DC" stood for, Pappu added, "Dot com!"
26. Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A. Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
27. Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!
28. An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.
Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves
29. Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
30. Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
31. Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls?
32. Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
33. Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
34. A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !
35. Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
36. An army sergeant told Santa to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
"I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the sergeant. "Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody there!"
37. Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !
38. Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell
39. Boss in government department: Why didn't you take the leave due to you this year?
Civil servant: I needed the rest
40. "I've made the chicken soup."
"Good! I was worried it was for us."
41. Catholic: I hate England - it's cold and wet and full of Protestants.
Protestant: Why don't you go to hell - it's hot and dry and full of Catholics
42. Man: Whisper those three words that will make me walk on air.
Woman: Go hang yourself
43. Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.
Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap
44. Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
45. The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."
46. A company held a contest for kids with the theme: "The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me."
One kid answered "He married my mother."
47. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
48. Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's Rs 1000.
Patient: One thousand for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like
49. Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
50. What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A. A jeweler sells watches whereas a jailor watches cells!
51. One day a dog was running behind a Santa... But Santa was laughing.
Banta asked, "Why you are so happy?
He said... "Ah Ah Ah....I have an Airtel mobile with me...But Still Hutch network is following me.."
52. When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.
53. Can you do anything that other people can't?
A. Sure, I can read my handwriting.
54. The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
55. A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
56. What's plastic and dangerous to children?
Michael Jackson
57. How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance
58. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
59. A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask"
60. At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived babies a father says, "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"
His friend says, "But your kid didn't smile."
The father replies, "I was talking about the nurse"
61. 1st thief, "Police! Quick! jump out of the window!"
2nd thief, "But this is the 13th floor"
1st: "Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious"
62. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A. You cry when you cut up an onion
63. News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
64. CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
65. This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
66. Why did Santa throw the butter out the window?
A. He wanted to see a butterfly
67. Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken.
Santa: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!
68. What is difference between man and Superman?
A. Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser
69. Sailor (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?" Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
70. Woman: One of your bees just stung me. I want you to do something about it.
Beekeeper: Certainly, Madam. Just show me which bee it was and I'll have it punished
71. An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
72. While filling out an employment application, Santa paused over the question, "Person to notify in case of an accident."
After some thought, he finally wrote, "Anybody in sight"
73. Santa is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, "Watch for Fallen Rocks."
A few kilometres later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road, so he stops and picks them up.
When he gets to the next town, he carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office and puts them on the counter.
"Here are your fallen rocks," he says to the man behind the counter. "Now where is my watch?"
74. Patient: Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me
Doctor: Next please
75. Titanic is going to be drowned. Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God, just then a passenger asked the captain of the ship.
Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.
Captain: .....????
Passenger: Just tell me which side, land is two miles from here ?
Captain: Downwards...
76. A man walks into a scientist's lab looking to buy a new brain. He asks the scientist how much the brains cost. The scientist says, "Well first we have a normal human brain, it costs $1000, next we have a scientist's brain, it costs $5000, and then we come to a politician's, it costs $10,000."
"How come the politician's brain costs so much?", asks the man.
The scientist replies, "Because it's never been used."
77. How did Santa cheat the railways?
A. He bought the ticket and didn't travel
78. Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut?
A. Because they advertised 'free delivery'
79. What has 4 wheels and flies?
A. A garbage truck
80. What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A. "Do you believe in people?"
81.Green,Pink,Yellow
An english man and a desi man were both going to a
interview. They were asked to use the colours green. pink
and yellow. The english man goes in and says the grass is
green, the sun is yellow and the sunset is pink. The desi
man goes in and says my phone goes green green i pink it up
and i say yellow!!
82.Just Before I Die
Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all
of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their
long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've
got just to see how much it's all worth."
"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly
know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be
able to sell!"
"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell
it, my wife would kill me!"
83.Why Dog Watch Me Eat ?
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have
the plate he usually eats from."
84.BILLO & TILLO
Two friends Billooo & Tillooo went to school for appearing
in English exam (7th standard). They had crammed an essay of
"MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately, in the question-paper
it was written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER” in just
30-45 words .So Billooo was utterly confused & nervous
...what to do!!! Tillooo gave an idea . . . . Just write the
essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word
friend with the father..... So this was how Billooo &
Tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......Fathers & fathers
are everywhere, but good fathers are very rare. I have so
many fathers, but my best father is pyarelal. He is my
neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him
very much.
85.PAKISTANIS ON MOON
3 scientists happen to meet each other by chance at a party,
an American, a Russian, and a Pakistani. They boast their
country's science achievements. The Russian says: We were
the 1st ones in space, the American says, we were the 1st to
go to moon, The Pakistani thinks hard and says: we will be
1st ones on the sun! Both the American and Russian start
laughing, and say to the Pakistani, you stupid the sun is
too hot, your spaceship will burn b4 it reaches the sun. The
Pakistan scientist remains cool and calm, and says: You are
stupid. We will go there at night!!!
86.MUSLIMS
There were two Christians Travelling on a plane. Sitting
behind them was a Muslims. As they realized that a Muslims
is Travelling with them. They started talking loudly with
each other.
James said to Tim.
Tim where r u going, hopefully to Dubai.
Tim said Nah
There are too many Muslims, streets and roods are flooded
with them.
James smiles and said then u must be going to Iran.
Tim said r u mad, Muslims in Iran are more fanatic and mad
then Dubai.
Muslim who was listening to them could not bear it and said
hey u both go to hell, for sure there would be no Muslim.
87.CLEVER
Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the
moon?
Pupil: Moon...
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but
the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't
need it.
88.GERMS
Teacher: What r the people of Turkey called?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: They r called Turks, now What r the people of
Germany called?
Student: They r called Germs.
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